Feeling weird.

Hmmm, I've been feeling very strange lately. As finals approach, I have been totally throwing myself at the books. Staying up until 2 and 3 am just studying. In between I've felt detached, uninteresting, and distant. My boyfriend has been very stressed out and busy lately too, and I think that is further aggravating my condition.
I went to go see Watchmen last night, and I absolutely adored it. A few alterations were made to the plot, but they were actually not too drastic and I felt that the new ended actually updated some of the themes and messages. I am hoping to go to Comic Con this year, but when I think about it... I find myself feeling stressed out? I want to go, but the thought of crowds and attention makes my stomach turn. I love making costumes and dressing up, but I'm not really sure about this year. Ideally I would work on a Silk Spectre I costume. However, I'm not sure that I want to deal with it. Chances are there will be hundreds of Silk Spectres there -_- either I need to think of something more original, or just scrub the whole thing. Ugh, whatever. The last thing I need is another thing in the future to worry about...

Insomnia strikes again...

I hate the smell of rotting ramen. Seriously, I think it is probably the single worst smell that ever happened. I'm too lazy and tired to take the trash out, especially considering that housekeeping comes in about 12 hours. I have early class tomorrow, so my roommates can enjoy it all morning while I'm gone. I'm an awful person, teehee.
Anyway, pretty lame week. Finals are sneaking up on me, but I still have one midterm to go (asshole). I've been studying pretty hard between bouts of napping and brooding, which are two things that I could be an Olympic competitor in. It's raining outside presently, which just turned my mood around *almost* entirely... It's kind of ruining the usually dismal mood of my blogthing though. I was thankfully able to stock up again on candied ginger and earl gray, nomnom. I also bought these amazing cookies with maple cream filling. Freaking delicious mouthgasm. Apparently blogger's spellcheck recognizes mouthgasm as a word, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I feel the need to rant about people who talk in study rooms, and the general idiocy of people. I have a lot of work to do. I know that reading is really hard for some people, and really I'm sorry that you have like so much reading for philosophy omg, but please shut the fuck up and actually DO IT. I do NOT care what he was like and what she was like. I do NOT care how gross it was, nor do I care how cute he was. Your inceassant text message key clicking with your perfectly manicured nails is impossibly irritating. Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine that that clicking sound might really be the crackling of skin as it blisters and fries in the sun, because really that image is the only thing that explains your aboninable shade of tan-orange. The one positive thing I can see is maybe oneday soon you'll lose the use of your fingers due to dabiliting advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Your gum smacking and tiffany bracelet clinking makes me yearn to be deaf. All I want to do is study, and do you know why? BECAUSE THIS IS A GODDAMN STUDY ROOM YOU USELESS TIMELEECH.
This situation happens everywhere, all over. In my lounge, in the study rooms, in the library, in the university center, in the elevator, in the dining commons, IN CLASS. Fuck you, orange clinky bracelet unnatural blonde clone. Grow some respect for your fellow students, and then immediately afterwards please grow a personality. Nothing sends me into a spiraling depression faster than monotony.

And it comes full circle...

So here I am again. It is very late, and it will be later before I can sleep. I suppose it has been around a year since things were bad with me, and the internal clock is apparently in good working order. Nothing else really is.
In my struggle to drag through this mono thing, I was starting to get a little better on Fridays, and better still on Wednesdays... I was starting to feel a bit hopeful at least, as I began registering for spring classes, and then the same old demons just dashed it out of me. Oh sinus infection, my old friend, I really didn't miss you!
Antibiotics, less energy, and less hope are all happening right now. Maybe I could keep dragging on if I didn't have this horrible nagging anxiety about nothing and everything. I can't sleep again, and I have to stop keeping my boyfriend from sleeping too.
I would do anything I could to help him, but what hurts so much is that I know I can't do anything. I can try to need him a little less so that he has room to need himself and get his goals in order, but the tax on my strength is almost too much.
I find myself struggling to maintain any kind of composure, and I frequently lose it at the most inconvenient times. I don't know what it is about school and grades that stirs this horrific emotion in me. I can't process it all, and I don't really understand it.
Why do I give up on myself?
Why do I treat myself like the person who most mistreated me? Like everyone who has mistreated me?
Are these unprocessed thoughts related to that?
I can be listened to and comforted by another, but only I can understand this...

And I don't.

FML

Alright, let me make something perfectly clear... Student Health dentists will ruin your day, possibly your week, and MY summer. I've had this terrible pain in my upper left wisdom tooth for the past week or so, and so I finally bit the bullet (or the x-ray film) and went to the dentist today. Apparently they want to pull out a metric shit ton of my teeth (I realize that we haven't moved to the metric excrement system in this country, so I mean 6 teeth). This really blows. My wisdom teeth all have to go, and they have done such significant damage to my two back upper molars that they may also need to go.
I am absolutely TERRIFIED of the dentist, and I have been a wreck all day. Once I got there, I went straight into panic attack mode, and at one point I had to just excuse myself to a corner where I could try to breathe at normal intervals. Lucky for me, I had an audience! The office is just one big room with chairs lined up next to each other, that way you can feel worse about yourself and the competence of the dentist when you sit next to a line of sorority girls having their unnaturally pearly whites cleaned and whitened some more. I feel like the dentist wasn't really thinking about the big picture of my life, my fears, and my mouth when he came up with a treatment plan. I tried to get some more detailed information about why he thought this was the best treatment, and the subject was changed. I know that health professionals can tell that I am a biology major that is considering a career in medicine, because I am the worst patient ever. Well I might be the best patient because I can describe what's going on and why I think it is, but apparently they don't like to hypothesize with patients. They have golf to play and skank teeth to clean. After all... I suspect most dentists are frat boys who failed to get into med school. I definitely need to see a real dentist as soon as possible, and the fake dentist said I could wait for as long as I could endure the misery. Thanks for boosting my confidence and assuaging my fears dude.
Perhaps my favorite part of this visit was the x-ray machine. I have never seen such an old piece of medical equipment. The buttons on the front bore an uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader's chest, an observation that definitely dated the machine. I think geeky cultural references are as accurate as carbon dating in this case, judging by the ability of the machine to function. I really didn't feel so hot about having this ancient hunk of garbage spew radioactive beams into my fucking face. Expect a brain tumor post in 6 months.
In any case, I am definitely going to spend most of my summer in a dentist's chair. I expect to develop a drinking problem to get through this, otherwise I will probably rip all of my hair out and lose half my weight due to stress and terror. Oddly enough, my cat will be in the same position. She was recently diagnosed with a very rare autoimmune disorder that causes her body to attack her gums, making her mouth incredibly painful and swollen. The only effective treatment for this condition is a removal of all of her teeth :(
My boyfriend suggested that we go in to the same dentist and hold paw in hand through the procedure. I think this may be possible in the same clinic south of the border, and I'll bet the service is cheaper and better than Student Dental.

Fun with chemicals

I would really like to be napping right now, but I have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping lately. I have had the most bizarre dreams! Last week it was the zombie apocalypse, then it was a dream that was basically a montage of pointy things going through the tops of heads, and then the other day my room filled with giant spiders that were trying to kill Charles :( I had to grab his aquarium and try desperately to protect it while the spiders trashed my room! Clearly there is a lot going on in my head, and I need a new outlet for all this angst. I haven't been getting anything done in school lately aside from just keeping my head above water. But of course when I feel unproductive and bogged down by my ever present anxiety, I play with chemicals.
Here is the almost final product:

Ew, poorly lit. Anyway it's a very deep vibrant red/burgundy with bleached streaks that were MEANT to be white. Unfortunately I failed to remember that bleach needs to be applied immediately after it's mixed, otherwise you will come out looking like a very sorry hooker.
The weird orange color actually looks pretty neat with my red, but I will definitely have to manipulate my way into a ride to the nearest beauty supply store in the near future. I'm not sure that I have high enough standing with the people who possess cars to ask for help with this.

The aftermath of this project has been less than pleasant. My roommates don't really have an appreciation for ignoring the rules or skirting around them. In fact, they are pretty miffed about the whole thing. They seemed eager to watch the process, but as soon as it was over they were all upset about some tiny little accidents >_>



Pink shower curtains are cute, right? I don't think so either, but who honestly cares what color it is? Well, I have been informed that the dye looks like period blood. I consequently reasoned that we are all 12 year old girls who have not yet begun to menstruate and we are VERY uncomfortable with this. Very uncomfortable around here lately. I actually think it looks like red hair dye. Now if only I had realized that I should only touch the light switch with red gloved hands when I turn it OFF, then no one would have seen the red smudge. They ought to be worried though, I mean what if the administration were to come after us? How would they ever know who it was that covered everything in red dye? I suppose if this person were colorblind it would be very funny to point at another one of my roommates. Teehee, I'm 12.

Easily distracted...

So mono just does NOT go away. I still feel terrible. I think I get about half to one hour of good time each day. Studying is so hard for my feeble Epstein Barr infested brain :(
It looks like I may have finally made it out of the red tape mess, and I got the add code for the last class I was crashing. Now all I have to do is try to salvage my grades. I was really hoping that this quarter wouldn't be so affected by last quarter's illness. But the ugly realization that it is also THIS quarter's illness hit me shortly afterward.

I had to partake in some retail therapy the other week, and I ordered some of my new closest friends... little tiny mono!

Awwww! Don't you just love them? I know I do... nono, shhh that isn't sarcasm my little viral friends <3 I also invested in an umbrella that looks like those freaking sweet ones that they have in Bladerunner. I think this is an unconscious expression of my desire to be in the rain again. In a bizarre twist of fate, it actually started raining the day after my umbrella arrived. If only it had lasted longer.

Oh my god, umbrella opened indoors! No wonder... Though I have actually broken enough mirrors in my life to be cursed until the age of 21, I figure I can't do any more harm at this point.

Uh oh

Hmmm... No one reads this do they? No matter, I might start posting again. I'm bored and lonely enough to end up here. Generally I only post here when I'm out of things to do, and then I remember that it is pretty therapeutic.

What's new?
-College: UCSB
-Haircut: Sweet bangs in the style of the late Betty Page
-Boyfriend: <3 Leslie
-Fish: Charles

... Not much else. I haven't changed terribly much since my last post. I suppose entering college forces one to do a fair bit of growing up. Aside from living away from my family, not having immediate access to a car, being on a budget of sorts, and having to make tea without a kettle, the mechanical and mundane activities of my life are the same. I attend class, I needlessly stress myself out to the point of illness, I procrastinate, I drink too much caffeine, I neglect my bed, and I miss Leslie.

The first quarter was nothing short of horrific. I was hoping more than anything to get to college and immediately start this grand new life that was entirely in my control. Of course, I was swiftly reminded that tiny microbes have more power over my body than I care to believe.

I am currently avoiding studying for a final tomorrow. I had to take Incomplete grades in my classes last quarter because of mono, and now I'm taking the finals at the beginning of this current quarter -_- terribad.

In regards to my previous post that was almost a year ago:
Yes, I am retarded. He did like me.