Here's everything you wanted... Now do it!

And don't let us down!

That's how I feel about school right now. But I'm finally back working in the lab. I wish so much that there was a decent Goth scene in Santa Barbara.

I don't know... With Baele gone I'm just alone around here and I need my morbidity fix. Maybe that will help. I need to find a show to go to soon perhaps to liven my soul a bit. Presently it is bleak and self doubtful per usual.

The medications continue to suppress my appetite and it worries me from time to time. My jeans don't fit anymore. Nothing really does...

We know so little about the world around us and even inside of us. Lately that fascination has been enough to distract me from my "dark passenger".

=&D

Ok here fine. Some past and present news in IAmA form

I made the front page of reddit D:






And also I has a dog =^_^= Hexe

Back.

My life got more insane since I last used this blog. Too much news to catch up on so from now on I'll consider this a fresh start. Here I am. Deirdre the overly medicated overly diagnosed mess of a college woman. This is my blog. Therapist says I ought to keep one. Sarcasm ensues.

Enjoy.


So right now I'm sitting on my bed next to my books trying to calm down about how much catching up I need to do. I was quite ill this week unfortunately. I've learned a lot this week though. About life and death and zergling rush defense strategies. I made the front page of reddit. Hexe (my dog) is now e-famous. How precious.

The daylight continues to bore the shit out of me.

Alright, I'm off to read a whole lot about Eukaryotes and Parasites. Here's a pst on our CCS Bio blog that I made today: Read it

ttfn

Of life and love...

My life is pretty much messed up beyond repair at the moment. I feel like I've been caught in some kind of bizarre parallel universe with a different version of myself. I haven't been alone in so long... I forgot how to do it. I did it for myself I guess, and I'm sure it was the right decision. I have a lot that I need to face alone for once, and I'm hoping I will be a better person for it in the end. Right now I just feel like a mess. I basically missed half of the first week of classes; I was lost in my thoughts and other things. I'm so anxious. Escapism has become my best friend again.

But enough of my cryptic ramblings about my silly personal life, I promised pictures from TAO! It was fantastic by the way, and a very different experience. I never expect to actually enjoy huge crowds of people, but somehow their drug induced genuineness made me feel welcome and comfortable to the point where I could just shed the anxiety and lose myself in the moment. So without further adieu, TAO:











Yayay! I absolutely adored how my cyberlox turned out. I ended up adding some awesome UV reactive silicone tubing, as well as some foam strips with little blue stars and some rivets. They were super easy to make and surprisingly comfortable. I hope to get a lot more use out of them in the near future. Something tells me that the inhabitants of Isla Vista won't thoroughly appreciate the creativity.... Bah!

Home Sweet Couch?

So I'm back at home for now. Time confuses me sometimes. I was so looking forward to being home, lounging on the couch and eating everything in sight. Somehow I don't really feel at home though, probably because my sister took everything (including my bed) out of our room and put it in storage. I don't really *live* in my dorm, my shit is just temporarily there while I'm in school. I always thought I lived here with my family, but now I live on their couch.
I'm using a fitted sheet for a blanket. This is funny because as a kid, ummmm... even as an adult... I had this bizarre fear of things crawling under my blanket. Mostly I'm worried about spiders and things like that. Because of this irrational fear, I would always tuck my sheets under my feet and all around me. With this fitted sheet, I don't even have to do that! It just curls under me and stays there, thanks for assisting me in controlling my strange childhood fears sheet elastic! At least something made me feel at home.

So I haven't ever been to a rave. I always thought EW HAPPY PEOPLE IN A BIG PLACE? What could be worse than LOTS of people with all of them imposing their happiness upon you? Well I think it might be a little fun now that I've met the other one. We're going to TAO on New Year's Eve. I'm very excited about this because I loooovveee dressing up. So of course I've ordered a new outfit from LipService and some tubular crin to make my own cyberlox. Wheee! Lots of pictures to come, I promise. For now I'll show you the crin I bought!
Color Chart provided by I Kick Shins.


Maybe I'll get super into it and publish a cyberlox tutorial. Honestly that is kind of boring because they seem to be reeeallly easy to make.

So what's up with all the other goths apparently hating cybers? I wouldn't consider myself one, but goddamn I love their outfits almost as much as I love my corsets and long victorian skirts. I mean I really do not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about me, that much is clear I'm sure. Are they annoying or something? I mean I realize that they aren't very gothy. Maybe that's it. But if you're going to a rave or a club and it's going to be about crazy outfits and electronic music... Why not have some crazy futuristic alien tube hair? It's fun. And I hate everyone who ruins fun.

I'm still not into the whole super happy life changing gathering of e-tards, but I love dancing and I love music. Here's hoping it will be as fun as I want it to be.

In other news, I hate being far away from important people in my life. I hate ALWAYS being in this position. I wonder why I do this to myself, why I worry, why I fear things that aren't real. All of this is some sick product of my disproportionate and malfunctioning brain chemicals. Anxiety for the sake of it, and I've accepted this as a quirk of my own. I don't know what else it can be, but it affects every aspect of my life and it makes me tired. So give me some GABA, some serotonin, and for god's sake someone get rid of all my norepinephrine!

OH GOD. I might die.

Finals are horrible. I haven't posted in a long time, and I figure this is pretty decent therapy when I'm stressed.
So, I found the other one! Well, he found me. Turns out I'm not totally alone in this little self created dark corner at UCSB. I'm very excited to share all kinds of music, literature, and fun with a fellow goth =^_^= we're so hard to come by :\
Anyway I didn't get out of my Physics final until 10:30, and I really couldn't sleep until 2. I suppose all I can do is picture the end, and somehow will my brain to work in between.
I really don't belong here. It is so painfully obvious. I'm incredibly jealous of all of my friends who are going abroad. I can't afford it for multiple reasons. I would love to go to Germany, or maybe Ireland. Alas, there is really no room for a study abroad with my major if I want to get any kind of research done. Research is why I sent myself to this awful place, so it would be very silly to give that up. I'm hoping that I'll just be able to travel on my own once I graduate.
I wish I could deliver with some awesome and insightful post right now, but my brain is trying to gear out of Physics and into Organic Chemistry.... So English is totally lost on me right now. I'm so stressed out. I might die.

Apologies for being very uninteresting today.

Post-Halloween Blues

Halloween was quite lovely. I spent most of it with close friends, just hanging out and enjoying the engaging conversation in costume. If you MUST know, I was slave Princess Leia this year.



The costume was a hit among my few friends, and I really loved it. Unfortunately I live in a complete cultural wasteland, as proven by the barrage of questions yelled at me. The most facepalm inducing and drunkenly slurred inquiries included "What movie are you from again?" and "Hey! Gladiator Slut!". It upsets me that so few people could recognize such a pop culture icon; I guess I should have been an animal slut or Lady Gaga if I wanted to be recognized.

Even though my school is full of feckless airheads, I can't help but imagine how much more fun Halloween would be if the out-of-towners couldn't weasel their way into my neighborhood. Then again, giving false directions is really a blast. When I heard "Where is Firebird's or Freebird's or whatever?" and "How do I get to Del Playa?" all I could think of was how this useless directionally challenged day tripper and their cohort RUINS my Isla Vista Halloween every year. This train of thought always brought me to tell them that Freebird's doesn't exist, or that Del Playa works just like the train platform in Harry Potter, and one can only get there by running off the cliffs as fast as possible. I don't think anyone followed my directions exactly... How Unfortunate.

On Thursday evening I intended to participate in the zombie, but run but I was sidetracked by the overwhelming pain and congestion of my nasty sinus infection. Fortunately, I did get to scare the living daylights out of some poor soul who wandered into the kitchenette while I was making soup >:) Bahahaha! I think I make a pretty spooky zombie schoolgirl. Lolz when she said she wanted brains, everyone thought she meant an education! I wonder how horrifying it would be to suddenly sustain a bite from a rabid human...
















My little brother was Gordon Freeman from Halflife 2, so adorable