Easily distracted...

So mono just does NOT go away. I still feel terrible. I think I get about half to one hour of good time each day. Studying is so hard for my feeble Epstein Barr infested brain :(
It looks like I may have finally made it out of the red tape mess, and I got the add code for the last class I was crashing. Now all I have to do is try to salvage my grades. I was really hoping that this quarter wouldn't be so affected by last quarter's illness. But the ugly realization that it is also THIS quarter's illness hit me shortly afterward.

I had to partake in some retail therapy the other week, and I ordered some of my new closest friends... little tiny mono!

Awwww! Don't you just love them? I know I do... nono, shhh that isn't sarcasm my little viral friends <3 I also invested in an umbrella that looks like those freaking sweet ones that they have in Bladerunner. I think this is an unconscious expression of my desire to be in the rain again. In a bizarre twist of fate, it actually started raining the day after my umbrella arrived. If only it had lasted longer.

Oh my god, umbrella opened indoors! No wonder... Though I have actually broken enough mirrors in my life to be cursed until the age of 21, I figure I can't do any more harm at this point.

Uh oh

Hmmm... No one reads this do they? No matter, I might start posting again. I'm bored and lonely enough to end up here. Generally I only post here when I'm out of things to do, and then I remember that it is pretty therapeutic.

What's new?
-College: UCSB
-Haircut: Sweet bangs in the style of the late Betty Page
-Boyfriend: <3 Leslie
-Fish: Charles

... Not much else. I haven't changed terribly much since my last post. I suppose entering college forces one to do a fair bit of growing up. Aside from living away from my family, not having immediate access to a car, being on a budget of sorts, and having to make tea without a kettle, the mechanical and mundane activities of my life are the same. I attend class, I needlessly stress myself out to the point of illness, I procrastinate, I drink too much caffeine, I neglect my bed, and I miss Leslie.

The first quarter was nothing short of horrific. I was hoping more than anything to get to college and immediately start this grand new life that was entirely in my control. Of course, I was swiftly reminded that tiny microbes have more power over my body than I care to believe.

I am currently avoiding studying for a final tomorrow. I had to take Incomplete grades in my classes last quarter because of mono, and now I'm taking the finals at the beginning of this current quarter -_- terribad.

In regards to my previous post that was almost a year ago:
Yes, I am retarded. He did like me.

So, I suspect I'm retarded...

...or otherwise incapable of learning a lesson. You see, I have this terrible problem with my intuition: my brain thinks it's a joke. Every time I have a hunch, I always second guess myself. Usually this ends with me choosing the familiarity of doom and gloom over something like thrilling happiness. I don't think I've ever had an incorrect hunch come to think of it, but I never remember that for long. O.K. Getting to the point. I'm always right, and it feels fantastic to know it. With this particular confirmed hunch, there's more to it than just the satisfaction of being correct though.

So either I can't learn a lesson, or I have some incredible luck.


In this case, it might very well be both :O?


p.s. GOD I AM DUMB SOMETIMES.

Torn, I Think.

I suspect that it will be impossible for me to ever write an entry before 2 AM. It seems that I am not quite out of the emotional woods yet. Insomnia plagues me only when I need sleep more than anything else. Then again, I have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking becomes significantly more complicated when you have to interpret it through your nasty dreams. So, here's this blog thingy; I hope it helps.

Today was very strange. I have had a lot of these surreal days lately. I woke up and realized that my cold had gotten even worse, I actually couldn't talk. I tried to keep sleeping until 3 PM or so, then I woke up and saw that my friend Leslie had come home. That was pretty exciting, as I have found some solace in being able to connect with him. We played Dark Age of Camelot until he had to leave for a bit. I decided that I was tired of being blind, so I went to pick up my new glasses. What a fitting activity for this month! All sort of strange things are finally getting taken care of, while I struggle to keep my head above water. Anyway, I came home and Leslie and I logged back on DAoC. Much to my horror, shortly after logging on I noticed my ex-boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? God, I don't think I've called him that before...) standing there on a character that was most certainly his. It didn't take more than a second for me to regret wolfing down that double-cheeseburger and fries half a second earlier. Ugh. It was difficult to squeal in discomfort because I sound a lot like a 40 year old chain smoking hooker right now. I have never felt so "over" something in my life, and yet so bothered by it. It isn't that I miss him in the least, it's that I feel so stupid about the whole situation. I guess it's pretty pointless to beat myself up over it now, because I know I am taking some good lessons out of it. I'm sure this story has been told a thousand times, but I really have nothing better to do right now. I have this kind of ugly void in me these days. Everything that's filling it makes me feel like the person I've wanted to be. Although, I can't think about it much before I want to cry, because I realize that all of those things scare me. The future of my college education scares me, my family scares me, and being alone scares me. I didn't think that being alone bothered me until I found out what it felt like. I actually wrote my teacher an e-mail, pouring out at least half of my heart. God, that feels desperate. But it isn't, I'm just solving the problems with what I've got. Right now I'm MacGyvering my family, a teacher, and a distant friend into a strange little moral support system. I want to help them too, because even if all this crap is going on with school and my health, nothing makes me feel worse than receiving without giving. I hope they realize that :\ I just want us all to be happy.


-Deeder?

I will try to refrain from narrating my whole boring day in the future.

Hullo

Good morning sillies.

I am not entirely sure why I decided to do this. The last time I attempted to keep track of my thoughts, I hid them more creatively than this. I will keep this short, as it is 3:30 AM, and I should be pretending to sleep.


I am alive. Film at 11.