Saturday, April 23, 2011

Off to the asylum?


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Return from hiatus, maybe.

Well the last few weeks of my life have been a whirlwind of bizarre and alienating activities.
Right after I left the hospital my roommate went ballistic on me and I'm no longer allowed to have my Hexe puppy in the house... My housemates went behind my back and complained to my landlady. I have never been so hurt and mad. Well I have been that hurt and mad, but I never processed it. Everyday is a separate struggle to stay alive. I know that sounds insane, and that is because it is. Being a cerebral person, I am cursed with the ability to watch and comprehend the crashing and burning of my life. It's like watching a helpless child struggle not to drown in a pool with a man holding her head down. Those memories haunt me. My brushes with death have made me such a uselessly terrified individual. I know most of it is just chemicals in my brain, but it is so fucking FRUSTRATING to know that. The medications barely take the edge off.

Assemblage 23 nailed it in this song.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Notes from the psych ward

It's always so weird here. For once I'm not the youngest, (this is also a chemical dependency ward) there's a 19 year old detoxing from opiates D:
Anyway they adjusted all my meds and added this stuff, Zyprexa, an antipsychotic/major tranquilizer and I swear it fixed me within 10 minutes. It blew my mind. I'm feeling much more hopeful today. I should be able to get out of here in the next day or two. I hope. I'm bored and I miss Starcraft and League of Legends. Hexe's birthday is coming up and I don't want to miss it. Hospital food sucks balls. One of the OT guys is like a motivational speaker with no fucking OFF button. I want him to shut up and never speak again. If I hear "this too shall pass" one more time... Fuck that.

The better news is that I'm going to Germany for spring break to visit my love, Baele! I'm so excited. Well, I would be more excited if I weren't so depressed.I just need to get my passport before the government shuts down lol.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Beautiful Photo from Visual Massacre brings me some hope in here. I feel a little bit better today. Perhaps the med adjustments are helping. The Abilify is very fast acting, my obsessive self harm thoughts are lessened this morning. So hopefully I'll be feeling ok soon. I miss Hexe and Baele. My mom brou8ght me my stuffed weighted companion cube to keep me company in the hospital. I have to take care of it!!1!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Back in the hospital... qq

So here I am again. It's so weird here. The staff are disturbingly friendly and cheerful, while all the patients wander the hallways in a medicated daze. I'm right there with them too. I hope to get out much sooner than I did last time. This time I have worsening feelings of self harm and depression though. I wish Hexe could come visit me. Also I wish my fucking iPod hadn't been stolen. I brought my textbooks but I can barely concentrate enough to read. Maybe after med time I'll get enough Adderall to get something done. I have so much Parasitology reading to do D: FINALS ARE COMING AND I'M IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOSPITAL. FML. That is all for now. Updates later.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Life sucks and a Cool Photographer

I'll start off with the pretty interesting/good news: I discovered this great photographer named Michael Park.
I love this photo because it reminds me of Emilie Autumn's unique look, which is close to my style in many ways:

And this one reminds me a great deal of myself this weekend, trying to deal with all the shit that happened this week:

Anyway, now for the afore mentioned shittiness.
So Thursday evening was going great and all, and then Hexe and I got in a fight with another dog, Hexe lunged to bite and missed.. nailing me HARD in the leg. So I had this crazy deep and profusely bleeding puncture wound. I went straight to student health to get some advice about how to treat and dress it, which they gave me, but then things went worse.
The pharmacist informed me that I was officially no longer allowed to bring Hexe into student health, because several employees reported that she jumped up on them. The woman who wrote the official letter sent it all around student health and then also to a bunch of people on campus who were integral in my being allowed to have Hexe on campus in the first place. It was sent to the ADA compliance officer, the vice chancellor, and the administrative office. She told me that if I ever bring Hexe back there, disciplinary action will be taken.
I was devastated because I really need to bring Hexe everywhere. And then I was incredibly anxious that the ADA compliance officer or the vice chancellor or someone would revoke my ability to keep Hexe on campus. That would be disastrous to my treatment...
On top of all that, I got home to discover that my psychiatrist had quit and was leaving his practice for Irvine. Anyone with a therapist or a shrink of any sort would know how upsetting that can be. Having to start over with a new psychiatrist is very difficult. Often it doesn't work out and in the meantime you lose ground with your therapy. I am super worried about this...

Thank god I am finally caught up in school. It is all that is keeping me going right now. If Hexe couldn't be there too, I don't know what I would do.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dangerous Love ArmWarmers - White

I think this symbol is so cute, I would totally get a tattoo of it. In fact, I am majorly considering it haha.

Dangerous Love ArmWarmers - White