Friday, December 18, 2009

Home Sweet Couch?

So I'm back at home for now. Time confuses me sometimes. I was so looking forward to being home, lounging on the couch and eating everything in sight. Somehow I don't really feel at home though, probably because my sister took everything (including my bed) out of our room and put it in storage. I don't really *live* in my dorm, my shit is just temporarily there while I'm in school. I always thought I lived here with my family, but now I live on their couch.
I'm using a fitted sheet for a blanket. This is funny because as a kid, ummmm... even as an adult... I had this bizarre fear of things crawling under my blanket. Mostly I'm worried about spiders and things like that. Because of this irrational fear, I would always tuck my sheets under my feet and all around me. With this fitted sheet, I don't even have to do that! It just curls under me and stays there, thanks for assisting me in controlling my strange childhood fears sheet elastic! At least something made me feel at home.

So I haven't ever been to a rave. I always thought EW HAPPY PEOPLE IN A BIG PLACE? What could be worse than LOTS of people with all of them imposing their happiness upon you? Well I think it might be a little fun now that I've met the other one. We're going to TAO on New Year's Eve. I'm very excited about this because I loooovveee dressing up. So of course I've ordered a new outfit from LipService and some tubular crin to make my own cyberlox. Wheee! Lots of pictures to come, I promise. For now I'll show you the crin I bought!
Color Chart provided by I Kick Shins.

Maybe I'll get super into it and publish a cyberlox tutorial. Honestly that is kind of boring because they seem to be reeeallly easy to make.

So what's up with all the other goths apparently hating cybers? I wouldn't consider myself one, but goddamn I love their outfits almost as much as I love my corsets and long victorian skirts. I mean I really do not give a flying fuck what anyone thinks about me, that much is clear I'm sure. Are they annoying or something? I mean I realize that they aren't very gothy. Maybe that's it. But if you're going to a rave or a club and it's going to be about crazy outfits and electronic music... Why not have some crazy futuristic alien tube hair? It's fun. And I hate everyone who ruins fun.

I'm still not into the whole super happy life changing gathering of e-tards, but I love dancing and I love music. Here's hoping it will be as fun as I want it to be.

In other news, I hate being far away from important people in my life. I hate ALWAYS being in this position. I wonder why I do this to myself, why I worry, why I fear things that aren't real. All of this is some sick product of my disproportionate and malfunctioning brain chemicals. Anxiety for the sake of it, and I've accepted this as a quirk of my own. I don't know what else it can be, but it affects every aspect of my life and it makes me tired. So give me some GABA, some serotonin, and for god's sake someone get rid of all my norepinephrine!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

OH GOD. I might die.

Finals are horrible. I haven't posted in a long time, and I figure this is pretty decent therapy when I'm stressed.
So, I found the other one! Well, he found me. Turns out I'm not totally alone in this little self created dark corner at UCSB. I'm very excited to share all kinds of music, literature, and fun with a fellow goth =^_^= we're so hard to come by :\
Anyway I didn't get out of my Physics final until 10:30, and I really couldn't sleep until 2. I suppose all I can do is picture the end, and somehow will my brain to work in between.
I really don't belong here. It is so painfully obvious. I'm incredibly jealous of all of my friends who are going abroad. I can't afford it for multiple reasons. I would love to go to Germany, or maybe Ireland. Alas, there is really no room for a study abroad with my major if I want to get any kind of research done. Research is why I sent myself to this awful place, so it would be very silly to give that up. I'm hoping that I'll just be able to travel on my own once I graduate.
I wish I could deliver with some awesome and insightful post right now, but my brain is trying to gear out of Physics and into Organic Chemistry.... So English is totally lost on me right now. I'm so stressed out. I might die.

Apologies for being very uninteresting today.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Post-Halloween Blues

Halloween was quite lovely. I spent most of it with close friends, just hanging out and enjoying the engaging conversation in costume. If you MUST know, I was slave Princess Leia this year.

The costume was a hit among my few friends, and I really loved it. Unfortunately I live in a complete cultural wasteland, as proven by the barrage of questions yelled at me. The most facepalm inducing and drunkenly slurred inquiries included "What movie are you from again?" and "Hey! Gladiator Slut!". It upsets me that so few people could recognize such a pop culture icon; I guess I should have been an animal slut or Lady Gaga if I wanted to be recognized.

Even though my school is full of feckless airheads, I can't help but imagine how much more fun Halloween would be if the out-of-towners couldn't weasel their way into my neighborhood. Then again, giving false directions is really a blast. When I heard "Where is Firebird's or Freebird's or whatever?" and "How do I get to Del Playa?" all I could think of was how this useless directionally challenged day tripper and their cohort RUINS my Isla Vista Halloween every year. This train of thought always brought me to tell them that Freebird's doesn't exist, or that Del Playa works just like the train platform in Harry Potter, and one can only get there by running off the cliffs as fast as possible. I don't think anyone followed my directions exactly... How Unfortunate.

On Thursday evening I intended to participate in the zombie, but run but I was sidetracked by the overwhelming pain and congestion of my nasty sinus infection. Fortunately, I did get to scare the living daylights out of some poor soul who wandered into the kitchenette while I was making soup >:) Bahahaha! I think I make a pretty spooky zombie schoolgirl. Lolz when she said she wanted brains, everyone thought she meant an education! I wonder how horrifying it would be to suddenly sustain a bite from a rabid human...

My little brother was Gordon Freeman from Halflife 2, so adorable

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Alright Alright... I couldn't wait.

Halloween approaches! I am thrilled as always, and Halloween has been my favorite evening of the year for as long as I can remember. I miss Trick-or-Treating quite a bit though. Apparently you can't get away with that when you're 20. The last time I went Trick-or-Treating, I was dressed as a winter fairy and I had a wonderful time. I could tell that I was getting on in the years, and that it would be in my best interest to lay the tradition to rest after I was invited into the house of a much older gentleman who seemed to have unsettling intentions. The perversity of the world goes by totally unnoticed by the young, and I often wish I could look at the world the way I did when I was young. UCSB is infamous for its incredible and ridiculous Halloween debauchery. Of course as a Freshmen I looked forward to this, as a long time Halloween lover. I put on my fabulous costume, into which I had poured weeks of effort, only to discover in disappointment that the general uniform of the Santa Barbara Halloween girl consisted of a bra, cheeky panties, an animal headband, and some fairy wings. I wandered around for hours, wading my way through 30,000+ people on Del Playa in a haze of boredom. Crowds are impressive, but they make me uncomfortable. It wasn't too long before I was groped by a stranger (likely someone from out of town) and decided to call it a night. A very uninteresting and incredibly disappointing night.

I considered not going out this year, and opting to go home and give out candy in costume instead of facing the lecherous crowds of drunken creepers and douchebag frat boys who basically took a huge shit on my favorite holiday. Finally I decided to give it another go, settled on a costume, and lined up a few parties.I won't disclose who I will masquerade as just yet; I prefer to leave that as a surprise!
Tonight begins the festivities of Halloween in IV. I will be participating in a Zombie Run on the 6500 block of Del Playa. I think I will portray a zombie school girl. It should be pretty fun, but I've learned to assume that people will ruin anything that sounds fun. Hopefully there will be lots of townies to terrify!

Now for some reviewing.
Usually I am nothing short of irritated when goth becomes the pet interest of the fashion industry, but of course that is a terribly immature way to think. Now that I'm a bit more mature and secure in my sense of style, I have grown to appreciate trends that appear a bit darker than most. If anything, I'm quite flattered! Anyway, apparently dark lips are a big hit this fall. Of course, I haven't seen anyone else sporting them (as I always do) but this presents the rare opportunity to buy quality black lipstick.

As soon as I could, I ordered a tube of MAC Black Knight. Mmmmm! Have you ever seen anything so lovely? I was thrilled! I am pleased to say that I am LOVING it thus far, and highly recommend it for daily use. It has fantastic staying power (especially when used with a long wearing lip liner), and just the precise amount of shine.

Up close with artificial light, followed by natural light (ahhh it burns!). Ignore the complete lack of makeup on the rest of my face :(
Agghhh I need a better camera so that I can really do this.. grrrr... my half birthday was just a few weeks ago?


Well, it has been a while since I posted anything. Truthfully I forgot about this blog thing entirely. News is boring and no one follows this blog anyway. I'm thinking that I will turn it into something a little different. Given that people with interests similar to my own are so rare around here, I have decided to turn this into a place to share. I will try to include musings, music, fashion, my life, and other tidbits that excite that darker place in me.
Unfortunately I need to work on a lab report at the moment... Procrastination is not very becoming I'm afraid. I will be back to work on this project soon enough!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Feeling weird.

Hmmm, I've been feeling very strange lately. As finals approach, I have been totally throwing myself at the books. Staying up until 2 and 3 am just studying. In between I've felt detached, uninteresting, and distant. My boyfriend has been very stressed out and busy lately too, and I think that is further aggravating my condition.
I went to go see Watchmen last night, and I absolutely adored it. A few alterations were made to the plot, but they were actually not too drastic and I felt that the new ended actually updated some of the themes and messages. I am hoping to go to Comic Con this year, but when I think about it... I find myself feeling stressed out? I want to go, but the thought of crowds and attention makes my stomach turn. I love making costumes and dressing up, but I'm not really sure about this year. Ideally I would work on a Silk Spectre I costume. However, I'm not sure that I want to deal with it. Chances are there will be hundreds of Silk Spectres there -_- either I need to think of something more original, or just scrub the whole thing. Ugh, whatever. The last thing I need is another thing in the future to worry about...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Insomnia strikes again...

I hate the smell of rotting ramen. Seriously, I think it is probably the single worst smell that ever happened. I'm too lazy and tired to take the trash out, especially considering that housekeeping comes in about 12 hours. I have early class tomorrow, so my roommates can enjoy it all morning while I'm gone. I'm an awful person, teehee.
Anyway, pretty lame week. Finals are sneaking up on me, but I still have one midterm to go (asshole). I've been studying pretty hard between bouts of napping and brooding, which are two things that I could be an Olympic competitor in. It's raining outside presently, which just turned my mood around *almost* entirely... It's kind of ruining the usually dismal mood of my blogthing though. I was thankfully able to stock up again on candied ginger and earl gray, nomnom. I also bought these amazing cookies with maple cream filling. Freaking delicious mouthgasm. Apparently blogger's spellcheck recognizes mouthgasm as a word, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I feel the need to rant about people who talk in study rooms, and the general idiocy of people. I have a lot of work to do. I know that reading is really hard for some people, and really I'm sorry that you have like so much reading for philosophy omg, but please shut the fuck up and actually DO IT. I do NOT care what he was like and what she was like. I do NOT care how gross it was, nor do I care how cute he was. Your inceassant text message key clicking with your perfectly manicured nails is impossibly irritating. Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine that that clicking sound might really be the crackling of skin as it blisters and fries in the sun, because really that image is the only thing that explains your aboninable shade of tan-orange. The one positive thing I can see is maybe oneday soon you'll lose the use of your fingers due to dabiliting advanced carpal tunnel syndrome. Your gum smacking and tiffany bracelet clinking makes me yearn to be deaf. All I want to do is study, and do you know why? BECAUSE THIS IS A GODDAMN STUDY ROOM YOU USELESS TIMELEECH.
This situation happens everywhere, all over. In my lounge, in the study rooms, in the library, in the university center, in the elevator, in the dining commons, IN CLASS. Fuck you, orange clinky bracelet unnatural blonde clone. Grow some respect for your fellow students, and then immediately afterwards please grow a personality. Nothing sends me into a spiraling depression faster than monotony.

Friday, February 20, 2009

And it comes full circle...

So here I am again. It is very late, and it will be later before I can sleep. I suppose it has been around a year since things were bad with me, and the internal clock is apparently in good working order. Nothing else really is.
In my struggle to drag through this mono thing, I was starting to get a little better on Fridays, and better still on Wednesdays... I was starting to feel a bit hopeful at least, as I began registering for spring classes, and then the same old demons just dashed it out of me. Oh sinus infection, my old friend, I really didn't miss you!
Antibiotics, less energy, and less hope are all happening right now. Maybe I could keep dragging on if I didn't have this horrible nagging anxiety about nothing and everything. I can't sleep again, and I have to stop keeping my boyfriend from sleeping too.
I would do anything I could to help him, but what hurts so much is that I know I can't do anything. I can try to need him a little less so that he has room to need himself and get his goals in order, but the tax on my strength is almost too much.
I find myself struggling to maintain any kind of composure, and I frequently lose it at the most inconvenient times. I don't know what it is about school and grades that stirs this horrific emotion in me. I can't process it all, and I don't really understand it.
Why do I give up on myself?
Why do I treat myself like the person who most mistreated me? Like everyone who has mistreated me?
Are these unprocessed thoughts related to that?
I can be listened to and comforted by another, but only I can understand this...

And I don't.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Alright, let me make something perfectly clear... Student Health dentists will ruin your day, possibly your week, and MY summer. I've had this terrible pain in my upper left wisdom tooth for the past week or so, and so I finally bit the bullet (or the x-ray film) and went to the dentist today. Apparently they want to pull out a metric shit ton of my teeth (I realize that we haven't moved to the metric excrement system in this country, so I mean 6 teeth). This really blows. My wisdom teeth all have to go, and they have done such significant damage to my two back upper molars that they may also need to go.
I am absolutely TERRIFIED of the dentist, and I have been a wreck all day. Once I got there, I went straight into panic attack mode, and at one point I had to just excuse myself to a corner where I could try to breathe at normal intervals. Lucky for me, I had an audience! The office is just one big room with chairs lined up next to each other, that way you can feel worse about yourself and the competence of the dentist when you sit next to a line of sorority girls having their unnaturally pearly whites cleaned and whitened some more. I feel like the dentist wasn't really thinking about the big picture of my life, my fears, and my mouth when he came up with a treatment plan. I tried to get some more detailed information about why he thought this was the best treatment, and the subject was changed. I know that health professionals can tell that I am a biology major that is considering a career in medicine, because I am the worst patient ever. Well I might be the best patient because I can describe what's going on and why I think it is, but apparently they don't like to hypothesize with patients. They have golf to play and skank teeth to clean. After all... I suspect most dentists are frat boys who failed to get into med school. I definitely need to see a real dentist as soon as possible, and the fake dentist said I could wait for as long as I could endure the misery. Thanks for boosting my confidence and assuaging my fears dude.
Perhaps my favorite part of this visit was the x-ray machine. I have never seen such an old piece of medical equipment. The buttons on the front bore an uncanny resemblance to Darth Vader's chest, an observation that definitely dated the machine. I think geeky cultural references are as accurate as carbon dating in this case, judging by the ability of the machine to function. I really didn't feel so hot about having this ancient hunk of garbage spew radioactive beams into my fucking face. Expect a brain tumor post in 6 months.
In any case, I am definitely going to spend most of my summer in a dentist's chair. I expect to develop a drinking problem to get through this, otherwise I will probably rip all of my hair out and lose half my weight due to stress and terror. Oddly enough, my cat will be in the same position. She was recently diagnosed with a very rare autoimmune disorder that causes her body to attack her gums, making her mouth incredibly painful and swollen. The only effective treatment for this condition is a removal of all of her teeth :(
My boyfriend suggested that we go in to the same dentist and hold paw in hand through the procedure. I think this may be possible in the same clinic south of the border, and I'll bet the service is cheaper and better than Student Dental.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Fun with chemicals

I would really like to be napping right now, but I have been having a great deal of trouble sleeping lately. I have had the most bizarre dreams! Last week it was the zombie apocalypse, then it was a dream that was basically a montage of pointy things going through the tops of heads, and then the other day my room filled with giant spiders that were trying to kill Charles :( I had to grab his aquarium and try desperately to protect it while the spiders trashed my room! Clearly there is a lot going on in my head, and I need a new outlet for all this angst. I haven't been getting anything done in school lately aside from just keeping my head above water. But of course when I feel unproductive and bogged down by my ever present anxiety, I play with chemicals.
Here is the almost final product:

Ew, poorly lit. Anyway it's a very deep vibrant red/burgundy with bleached streaks that were MEANT to be white. Unfortunately I failed to remember that bleach needs to be applied immediately after it's mixed, otherwise you will come out looking like a very sorry hooker.
The weird orange color actually looks pretty neat with my red, but I will definitely have to manipulate my way into a ride to the nearest beauty supply store in the near future. I'm not sure that I have high enough standing with the people who possess cars to ask for help with this.

The aftermath of this project has been less than pleasant. My roommates don't really have an appreciation for ignoring the rules or skirting around them. In fact, they are pretty miffed about the whole thing. They seemed eager to watch the process, but as soon as it was over they were all upset about some tiny little accidents >_>

Pink shower curtains are cute, right? I don't think so either, but who honestly cares what color it is? Well, I have been informed that the dye looks like period blood. I consequently reasoned that we are all 12 year old girls who have not yet begun to menstruate and we are VERY uncomfortable with this. Very uncomfortable around here lately. I actually think it looks like red hair dye. Now if only I had realized that I should only touch the light switch with red gloved hands when I turn it OFF, then no one would have seen the red smudge. They ought to be worried though, I mean what if the administration were to come after us? How would they ever know who it was that covered everything in red dye? I suppose if this person were colorblind it would be very funny to point at another one of my roommates. Teehee, I'm 12.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Easily distracted...

So mono just does NOT go away. I still feel terrible. I think I get about half to one hour of good time each day. Studying is so hard for my feeble Epstein Barr infested brain :(
It looks like I may have finally made it out of the red tape mess, and I got the add code for the last class I was crashing. Now all I have to do is try to salvage my grades. I was really hoping that this quarter wouldn't be so affected by last quarter's illness. But the ugly realization that it is also THIS quarter's illness hit me shortly afterward.

I had to partake in some retail therapy the other week, and I ordered some of my new closest friends... little tiny mono!

Awwww! Don't you just love them? I know I do... nono, shhh that isn't sarcasm my little viral friends <3 I also invested in an umbrella that looks like those freaking sweet ones that they have in Bladerunner. I think this is an unconscious expression of my desire to be in the rain again. In a bizarre twist of fate, it actually started raining the day after my umbrella arrived. If only it had lasted longer.

Oh my god, umbrella opened indoors! No wonder... Though I have actually broken enough mirrors in my life to be cursed until the age of 21, I figure I can't do any more harm at this point.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Uh oh

Hmmm... No one reads this do they? No matter, I might start posting again. I'm bored and lonely enough to end up here. Generally I only post here when I'm out of things to do, and then I remember that it is pretty therapeutic.

What's new?
-College: UCSB
-Haircut: Sweet bangs in the style of the late Betty Page
-Boyfriend: <3 Leslie
-Fish: Charles

... Not much else. I haven't changed terribly much since my last post. I suppose entering college forces one to do a fair bit of growing up. Aside from living away from my family, not having immediate access to a car, being on a budget of sorts, and having to make tea without a kettle, the mechanical and mundane activities of my life are the same. I attend class, I needlessly stress myself out to the point of illness, I procrastinate, I drink too much caffeine, I neglect my bed, and I miss Leslie.

The first quarter was nothing short of horrific. I was hoping more than anything to get to college and immediately start this grand new life that was entirely in my control. Of course, I was swiftly reminded that tiny microbes have more power over my body than I care to believe.

I am currently avoiding studying for a final tomorrow. I had to take Incomplete grades in my classes last quarter because of mono, and now I'm taking the finals at the beginning of this current quarter -_- terribad.

In regards to my previous post that was almost a year ago:
Yes, I am retarded. He did like me.