Saturday, April 23, 2011

Off to the asylum?


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Return from hiatus, maybe.

Well the last few weeks of my life have been a whirlwind of bizarre and alienating activities.
Right after I left the hospital my roommate went ballistic on me and I'm no longer allowed to have my Hexe puppy in the house... My housemates went behind my back and complained to my landlady. I have never been so hurt and mad. Well I have been that hurt and mad, but I never processed it. Everyday is a separate struggle to stay alive. I know that sounds insane, and that is because it is. Being a cerebral person, I am cursed with the ability to watch and comprehend the crashing and burning of my life. It's like watching a helpless child struggle not to drown in a pool with a man holding her head down. Those memories haunt me. My brushes with death have made me such a uselessly terrified individual. I know most of it is just chemicals in my brain, but it is so fucking FRUSTRATING to know that. The medications barely take the edge off.

Assemblage 23 nailed it in this song.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

Notes from the psych ward

It's always so weird here. For once I'm not the youngest, (this is also a chemical dependency ward) there's a 19 year old detoxing from opiates D:
Anyway they adjusted all my meds and added this stuff, Zyprexa, an antipsychotic/major tranquilizer and I swear it fixed me within 10 minutes. It blew my mind. I'm feeling much more hopeful today. I should be able to get out of here in the next day or two. I hope. I'm bored and I miss Starcraft and League of Legends. Hexe's birthday is coming up and I don't want to miss it. Hospital food sucks balls. One of the OT guys is like a motivational speaker with no fucking OFF button. I want him to shut up and never speak again. If I hear "this too shall pass" one more time... Fuck that.

The better news is that I'm going to Germany for spring break to visit my love, Baele! I'm so excited. Well, I would be more excited if I weren't so depressed.I just need to get my passport before the government shuts down lol.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Beautiful Photo from Visual Massacre brings me some hope in here. I feel a little bit better today. Perhaps the med adjustments are helping. The Abilify is very fast acting, my obsessive self harm thoughts are lessened this morning. So hopefully I'll be feeling ok soon. I miss Hexe and Baele. My mom brou8ght me my stuffed weighted companion cube to keep me company in the hospital. I have to take care of it!!1!


Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Back in the hospital... qq

So here I am again. It's so weird here. The staff are disturbingly friendly and cheerful, while all the patients wander the hallways in a medicated daze. I'm right there with them too. I hope to get out much sooner than I did last time. This time I have worsening feelings of self harm and depression though. I wish Hexe could come visit me. Also I wish my fucking iPod hadn't been stolen. I brought my textbooks but I can barely concentrate enough to read. Maybe after med time I'll get enough Adderall to get something done. I have so much Parasitology reading to do D: FINALS ARE COMING AND I'M IN THE MOTHERFUCKING HOSPITAL. FML. That is all for now. Updates later.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Life sucks and a Cool Photographer

I'll start off with the pretty interesting/good news: I discovered this great photographer named Michael Park.
I love this photo because it reminds me of Emilie Autumn's unique look, which is close to my style in many ways:

And this one reminds me a great deal of myself this weekend, trying to deal with all the shit that happened this week:

Anyway, now for the afore mentioned shittiness.
So Thursday evening was going great and all, and then Hexe and I got in a fight with another dog, Hexe lunged to bite and missed.. nailing me HARD in the leg. So I had this crazy deep and profusely bleeding puncture wound. I went straight to student health to get some advice about how to treat and dress it, which they gave me, but then things went worse.
The pharmacist informed me that I was officially no longer allowed to bring Hexe into student health, because several employees reported that she jumped up on them. The woman who wrote the official letter sent it all around student health and then also to a bunch of people on campus who were integral in my being allowed to have Hexe on campus in the first place. It was sent to the ADA compliance officer, the vice chancellor, and the administrative office. She told me that if I ever bring Hexe back there, disciplinary action will be taken.
I was devastated because I really need to bring Hexe everywhere. And then I was incredibly anxious that the ADA compliance officer or the vice chancellor or someone would revoke my ability to keep Hexe on campus. That would be disastrous to my treatment...
On top of all that, I got home to discover that my psychiatrist had quit and was leaving his practice for Irvine. Anyone with a therapist or a shrink of any sort would know how upsetting that can be. Having to start over with a new psychiatrist is very difficult. Often it doesn't work out and in the meantime you lose ground with your therapy. I am super worried about this...

Thank god I am finally caught up in school. It is all that is keeping me going right now. If Hexe couldn't be there too, I don't know what I would do.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Dangerous Love ArmWarmers - White

I think this symbol is so cute, I would totally get a tattoo of it. In fact, I am majorly considering it haha.

Dangerous Love ArmWarmers - White

Black Silver Tentacles Ring

Another item from my eternal want list:

Black Silver Tentacles Ring

Silver Anatomical Heart Locket

EXACTLY what I want. Just perfect for me. My birthday is coming! Kind of.

Silver Anatomical Heart Locket

Squidlet Earrings

The CUTEST =:>

Squidlet Earrings

Alchemy Gothic and improving the fish tank.

So first a bit on my personal life. I've been absolutely swamped with midterm work lately... pages upon pages of reading... all nighters full of flash cards and lecture slides... ooof.
Anyway I thought about a lot this week. Probably some of it is for a locked post come to think of it. Needless to say, I've been ding some soul searching.
Most of this searching was done while sitting in front of my fish tank; and so I decided to upgrade it! I added live plants and a Golden Inca Snail named Thor! He's the best:

And here is the upgraded tank:

In other news: I absolutely love alchemy gothic and own several of their pieces. I just discovered this amazing new one that would match my hair! It's so elegant. Check it out.

Nothing else exciting is going on except that I belatedly discovered Diablo II. My necromancer is really interfering with my already hindered studies >_< which I will now get back to...


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Fishies! And Procrastination

So I have a midterm in a few hours and I also have to find time to write a paper and feed the fish in the lab. In the meantime I decided that I needed some retail therapy... So I went out with Jen (my roommate) and bought goldfish! These are fancy goldfish that will apparently get HUGE. The older fish there was positively enormous and so beautiful. I like fish a lot, they're so relaxing to look at.
So here they are on the way home from the pet store:

The one with the black on it is Jen's fish. She named him/her Trip. Mine is the red/orange and white one. I decided to name him/her (hopefully her...) Ophelia. I'll assume Ophelia is female for now; even though I work with fish I am not very good at sexing them. I can't tell :(

Anyway here is Ophelia:

Trip and Ophelia:

And their lovely tank:

Hopefully these fish live to grow big and beautiful =^_^= If Dylan doesn't try to kill them again. Our last fish was frequently fed alcohol and too much food by my hateful best friend. He's jealous of their swimming abilities clearly.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Sweet Technology Breah!! And Goth home ec

First of all, I am posting from my iPhone. The phone even corrected the pretentious capitalization of the word iPhone. Imagine that.

I feel really overwhelmed currently because my first midterm is coming up. The house is a total mess... Just ugh. I won't go into the details because it will just be a personal rant.

So here is some solid Goth Home Economics advice:

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Gothic Beauty

This stunning image from Gothic Beauty is how I picture myself in my dreams. I love it to pieces. This is Queen Deirdre of the Octopi, mysterious nocturnal creature of untold power and intelligence. *sigh* Oneday I'll be her. Coping with my depression has been so difficult. I wish it wasn't there anymore. Then I can be that Deirdre.


Etsy Shop

My Etsy shop! Finally posted an item.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


My DeviantArt. Check it out I guess.

Anyway, I'm so tired from this last week. It was absolutely the worst. I had the flu first of all, and then Hexe got kicked out of Perfect Puppy Academy on our first day. She managed to attack the cutest puppy in the room as soon as we got there. Dylan got in the way and Hexe accidentally bit him :( He's ok now though.
Jesus Hexe is a funny dog. She loves me desperately and takes forever to warm up to everyone else. I kind of love it. She has problems with other dogs and I have problems with other people. Two peas in a misanthropic pod. <3 Hexe I secretly (not so secretly anymore) want wings like these tattooed on my back. I probably won't do it though.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

New Piercing, and cool virophage!

So yesterday I was really sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hadn't left the house in ages and had been barely surviving off of soup, coffee, and adderall. I decided to go on an adventure with Jen, my roommate.
We went to precious slut on a whim and I got my stupid belly button pierced. What a silly idea. I love it.

Also I found this incredibly cool article about a virophage, an actual virus of another giant virus! So fascinating, evolutionarily and what not.

Read about it here.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

My Jewelry and Candles

Ok, so. I make jewelry and candles. The jewelry is badass and the candles have fallen by the wayside. I'm thinking of starting to sell all these bracelets.I have an Etsy shop. I also have a website for the candles here. I designed it myself but there's nothing there.
Story of my life.
Lots of hidden talent to show and all the framework required to be great. And yet here I am, still struggling to keep my head above water. WTF is a biologist undergraduate doing trying to sell bracelets that no one else will like?

Agh. Well I'm planning on getting a nice photographer, but until then here are a few pictures. I have like 27 bracelets. I would like some feedback.Here's the full Facebook album

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

If you try hard enough, you can't succeed

So I thought I was over this flu thing I had. It caused me to sleep feverishly for two days with no recollection of what happened. Surprisingly this was not, on this occasion, due to alcohol consumption; I concluded I was ill.
So I fucking missed sharklab, where we were going to dissect a shark for parasites. I was furious, so I stayed up all night studying and shit (like this blog).
Today I return triumphantly to lab.... and promptly vomit 3 times and my TA asks me to go home. Fantastic. I have now also broken out into hives. I briefly considered taking pictures of them, then I realized that might be pretty weird.

So instead, I was amused by this:

Professor X's Rate my Prof

Off to an early bed to shake this wretched disease. GRRRAAAHHHFWHBGEEKHBG wrath.

Monday, January 24, 2011

All Nighter: Part Two

Alright, I owe any current and future readers an apology for not updating my adventures through summer and Fall quarter. I will take this post to briefly enlighten and provide a few insights from the experience.

After a gnarly suicide attempt in August, I was hospitalized in a psychiatric ward for a week. They tweaked my meds and it was a weird experience to which I will refer from time to time. I drew this while I was in there:

I got out and my doctor wrote me a prescription for a Psychiatric Service Dog. Crazy idea, but so far it is working. Read the IAmA for the full explanation.

I'll include moar pics for the sake of cuteness.

In the summer, shortly after Baele left, I got a new tattoo! Of the octopus I always am in my dreams. It's on my right hipbone.

I was mostly depressed and alone and focusing on therapy throughout Fall quarter, which I took off. But it was not a total loss. Dylan and I saw Combichrist and I met Joe Letz! Quite the gentlemen.

I also got the dumbest goddamned car that ever existed. I bought it from this chick who had it painted HOT PINK and couldn't sell it. It's a 99 Volvo s80 and I got it for only $1500 so I could care less what color it is. Thankfully I have already tricked it out with a Cthulhu Fishy and some choice Sanrio stickers. Anyway I drive this fucking thing. No shit:

Now I am a fulltime student again with classes and lab while being overmedicated and without enough therapeutic care.
So that's me these days.
And now a word from favorite lab subject this week:


All Nighter: Part One

So last week I had a disastrous all nighter. It was astonishingly productive mind you, but ultimately irresponsible. The next evening I had a panic attack when I tried to sleep and then a fever came and I slept for 2 FUCKING DAYS with no recollection of anything except people giving me water and sprawling on the bathroom floor. Anyway I don't know if it was a fever flu thing or what, but my curious mind wants to know. And so I am performing another test as we speak. I am all better from the "fever" now and am trying to pull off a successful all nighter to determine whether my mystery "fever" was related.

Um and also because I got behind on work... and Starcraft2.

So my sleeping pill is currently making we feel ridiculous as I take my morning stimulants. Goodness me, I am loopy.

So far I have rehabilitated my blog to please my therapist and possibly my sanity, and come up with a great idea to write a 15 page paper on for Parasitology. More to come on that.

On the subject of loopyness, here is my newest piercing!

Welcome Rook!

Here's everything you wanted... Now do it!

And don't let us down!

That's how I feel about school right now. But I'm finally back working in the lab. I wish so much that there was a decent Goth scene in Santa Barbara.

I don't know... With Baele gone I'm just alone around here and I need my morbidity fix. Maybe that will help. I need to find a show to go to soon perhaps to liven my soul a bit. Presently it is bleak and self doubtful per usual.

The medications continue to suppress my appetite and it worries me from time to time. My jeans don't fit anymore. Nothing really does...

We know so little about the world around us and even inside of us. Lately that fascination has been enough to distract me from my "dark passenger".


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Ok here fine. Some past and present news in IAmA form

I made the front page of reddit D:

And also I has a dog =^_^= Hexe


My life got more insane since I last used this blog. Too much news to catch up on so from now on I'll consider this a fresh start. Here I am. Deirdre the overly medicated overly diagnosed mess of a college woman. This is my blog. Therapist says I ought to keep one. Sarcasm ensues.


So right now I'm sitting on my bed next to my books trying to calm down about how much catching up I need to do. I was quite ill this week unfortunately. I've learned a lot this week though. About life and death and zergling rush defense strategies. I made the front page of reddit. Hexe (my dog) is now e-famous. How precious.

The daylight continues to bore the shit out of me.

Alright, I'm off to read a whole lot about Eukaryotes and Parasites. Here's a pst on our CCS Bio blog that I made today: Read it