Monday, April 7, 2008

So, I suspect I'm retarded...

...or otherwise incapable of learning a lesson. You see, I have this terrible problem with my intuition: my brain thinks it's a joke. Every time I have a hunch, I always second guess myself. Usually this ends with me choosing the familiarity of doom and gloom over something like thrilling happiness. I don't think I've ever had an incorrect hunch come to think of it, but I never remember that for long. O.K. Getting to the point. I'm always right, and it feels fantastic to know it. With this particular confirmed hunch, there's more to it than just the satisfaction of being correct though.

So either I can't learn a lesson, or I have some incredible luck.

In this case, it might very well be both :O?


Friday, February 29, 2008

Torn, I Think.

I suspect that it will be impossible for me to ever write an entry before 2 AM. It seems that I am not quite out of the emotional woods yet. Insomnia plagues me only when I need sleep more than anything else. Then again, I have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking becomes significantly more complicated when you have to interpret it through your nasty dreams. So, here's this blog thingy; I hope it helps.

Today was very strange. I have had a lot of these surreal days lately. I woke up and realized that my cold had gotten even worse, I actually couldn't talk. I tried to keep sleeping until 3 PM or so, then I woke up and saw that my friend Leslie had come home. That was pretty exciting, as I have found some solace in being able to connect with him. We played Dark Age of Camelot until he had to leave for a bit. I decided that I was tired of being blind, so I went to pick up my new glasses. What a fitting activity for this month! All sort of strange things are finally getting taken care of, while I struggle to keep my head above water. Anyway, I came home and Leslie and I logged back on DAoC. Much to my horror, shortly after logging on I noticed my ex-boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? God, I don't think I've called him that before...) standing there on a character that was most certainly his. It didn't take more than a second for me to regret wolfing down that double-cheeseburger and fries half a second earlier. Ugh. It was difficult to squeal in discomfort because I sound a lot like a 40 year old chain smoking hooker right now. I have never felt so "over" something in my life, and yet so bothered by it. It isn't that I miss him in the least, it's that I feel so stupid about the whole situation. I guess it's pretty pointless to beat myself up over it now, because I know I am taking some good lessons out of it. I'm sure this story has been told a thousand times, but I really have nothing better to do right now. I have this kind of ugly void in me these days. Everything that's filling it makes me feel like the person I've wanted to be. Although, I can't think about it much before I want to cry, because I realize that all of those things scare me. The future of my college education scares me, my family scares me, and being alone scares me. I didn't think that being alone bothered me until I found out what it felt like. I actually wrote my teacher an e-mail, pouring out at least half of my heart. God, that feels desperate. But it isn't, I'm just solving the problems with what I've got. Right now I'm MacGyvering my family, a teacher, and a distant friend into a strange little moral support system. I want to help them too, because even if all this crap is going on with school and my health, nothing makes me feel worse than receiving without giving. I hope they realize that :\ I just want us all to be happy.


I will try to refrain from narrating my whole boring day in the future.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Good morning sillies.

I am not entirely sure why I decided to do this. The last time I attempted to keep track of my thoughts, I hid them more creatively than this. I will keep this short, as it is 3:30 AM, and I should be pretending to sleep.

I am alive. Film at 11.