Friday, February 29, 2008

Torn, I Think.

I suspect that it will be impossible for me to ever write an entry before 2 AM. It seems that I am not quite out of the emotional woods yet. Insomnia plagues me only when I need sleep more than anything else. Then again, I have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking becomes significantly more complicated when you have to interpret it through your nasty dreams. So, here's this blog thingy; I hope it helps.

Today was very strange. I have had a lot of these surreal days lately. I woke up and realized that my cold had gotten even worse, I actually couldn't talk. I tried to keep sleeping until 3 PM or so, then I woke up and saw that my friend Leslie had come home. That was pretty exciting, as I have found some solace in being able to connect with him. We played Dark Age of Camelot until he had to leave for a bit. I decided that I was tired of being blind, so I went to pick up my new glasses. What a fitting activity for this month! All sort of strange things are finally getting taken care of, while I struggle to keep my head above water. Anyway, I came home and Leslie and I logged back on DAoC. Much to my horror, shortly after logging on I noticed my ex-boyfriend (ex-boyfriend? God, I don't think I've called him that before...) standing there on a character that was most certainly his. It didn't take more than a second for me to regret wolfing down that double-cheeseburger and fries half a second earlier. Ugh. It was difficult to squeal in discomfort because I sound a lot like a 40 year old chain smoking hooker right now. I have never felt so "over" something in my life, and yet so bothered by it. It isn't that I miss him in the least, it's that I feel so stupid about the whole situation. I guess it's pretty pointless to beat myself up over it now, because I know I am taking some good lessons out of it. I'm sure this story has been told a thousand times, but I really have nothing better to do right now. I have this kind of ugly void in me these days. Everything that's filling it makes me feel like the person I've wanted to be. Although, I can't think about it much before I want to cry, because I realize that all of those things scare me. The future of my college education scares me, my family scares me, and being alone scares me. I didn't think that being alone bothered me until I found out what it felt like. I actually wrote my teacher an e-mail, pouring out at least half of my heart. God, that feels desperate. But it isn't, I'm just solving the problems with what I've got. Right now I'm MacGyvering my family, a teacher, and a distant friend into a strange little moral support system. I want to help them too, because even if all this crap is going on with school and my health, nothing makes me feel worse than receiving without giving. I hope they realize that :\ I just want us all to be happy.


I will try to refrain from narrating my whole boring day in the future.

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