Friday, February 20, 2009

And it comes full circle...

So here I am again. It is very late, and it will be later before I can sleep. I suppose it has been around a year since things were bad with me, and the internal clock is apparently in good working order. Nothing else really is.
In my struggle to drag through this mono thing, I was starting to get a little better on Fridays, and better still on Wednesdays... I was starting to feel a bit hopeful at least, as I began registering for spring classes, and then the same old demons just dashed it out of me. Oh sinus infection, my old friend, I really didn't miss you!
Antibiotics, less energy, and less hope are all happening right now. Maybe I could keep dragging on if I didn't have this horrible nagging anxiety about nothing and everything. I can't sleep again, and I have to stop keeping my boyfriend from sleeping too.
I would do anything I could to help him, but what hurts so much is that I know I can't do anything. I can try to need him a little less so that he has room to need himself and get his goals in order, but the tax on my strength is almost too much.
I find myself struggling to maintain any kind of composure, and I frequently lose it at the most inconvenient times. I don't know what it is about school and grades that stirs this horrific emotion in me. I can't process it all, and I don't really understand it.
Why do I give up on myself?
Why do I treat myself like the person who most mistreated me? Like everyone who has mistreated me?
Are these unprocessed thoughts related to that?
I can be listened to and comforted by another, but only I can understand this...

And I don't.

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